At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
