You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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