Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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