Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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