a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
