walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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