Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
