nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
