umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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