we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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