i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
