on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We are all done wearing pants today
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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