He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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