if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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