I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I want her autograph on my taint
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Success! We fucked roommates!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
