Don't make out with my wife yet
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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