White coat. Heels.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
