I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
