"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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