Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
