When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
