Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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