Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
