You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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