If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
