i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
