my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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