She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
