The beer is more important than you right now.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
