I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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