When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
