The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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