There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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