im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
