i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
