I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
