The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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