first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
