and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She announced her abortion via fbk
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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