I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
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