I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
