I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
pray to the hookup gods
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
