so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
