i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
