I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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