I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
