I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
