Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
