and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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