I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
