69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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