Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
