I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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