umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
